Random Thoughts - On Miracle Soap

Okay, let's get things straight. I have been neglecting my blogs since I couldn't remember, as well as passing my days without any good reads. That explains my lousy English- I cant really speak well now. I am so lazy these days. I dash off to work at 8.45 am almost every morning and get back to home from work at straight 5.30 pm (this is exceptional, btw). And so I am really like having 6 to 7 hours before sleep time and what I have done is NOTHING. Nothingness and it feels super empty and wasted. My job is pretty boring- and I am peanutly paid and I cant even save my own money but hey guess what, I am fortunate enough to get a decent job. Gosh. Okay enough of this I really need to stop blabbering on how my life is when others' are so unfortunate than mine.

Despite my shallow life, there are things that I am comfortable and being thankful with at the moment. I thought I'd share it with you guys. First of all, its my skin condition! *plays The Ride of Valkyries. Told you I was being emotional because of my skin condition, which worsened in the mid of July last year. I went to skin specialist to get my Accutane and stopped in the middle because I was so scared of the side effects. Then I bought a drugstore skincare brand (Safi Rania, I can use their cleanser and day cream tho) exactly on 31 August 2011 and I am still using it til now alongside this new homemade miracle soap. I have used the soap for about 3 weeks and my skin has never felt this good before (excluding the school time, i guess). Small pimples still come out occasionally but all the main nodule breakouts are disappearing, and I hope it will continue to disappear as the time goes by. Guess what, the soap is priced at RM20 per bar! I bought it from this wonderful lady- this is her facebook. She made the soap by herself O_O, you can browse her awesome stuff on the facebook page by yourself to know more. I cant express my feelings when my skin began to look healthy- got some friends commented on my skin well being. I am so happy! Oh how I wish she has found a formula to reduce pimple scars. Some has suggested to use Bio-Oil. Tried that before but I got breakouts instantly. I was like 'what the hell it reacted so fast on me' and immediately washed off the stuff from my face.

So I guess I will have to start bayar nazar from today!! :D

 Black Beauty Bar

Another thing that fills me everyday is my-love-of-course-cik Hafidz. Oh we've been together for more than a year and we are still going strong. Although we have quarreled a lot of times just because of stupid reasons, we have found that it bonds us tightly more than ever. And just because I randomly and occasionally update my blog nowadays ( few craps with no solid post) I wanted to tell you that I love you so much! Bear with me! Bear my spawn! lol

Oh, lastly. I almost forgot. I have a new cat. Her name is Jessica. Yeah, cheesy. The previous owner named her Jessica. And sometimes I called her Victoria, or Sunny out of nowhere. Yes. And she is a red tabby!!! This is my second time having a red tabby as a pet! The first one was Awok, he died years ago. Jessica is my father's sweetheart. He took her home from his school and let her play with Itam. Itam liked her so much, he licked and cleaned her like everyday but sadly Itam passed away few weeks after. :(

 

Golden eyed red tabby Jessica! :D

Changing the Changeable.

I have set a new resolution in my life which is wearing headscarf on full time basis. Before this I did not really wear it, even though I wore it to classes, on some occasion and whenever I felt like I had a bad hair day. Firstly, I wanted to wear my scarf because of my acne problems. By wearing it, I would be able to hide my face, so that no one could see my deeply scarred face. However, these questions ticked me a lot.

"Why would I need to wear headscarf whenever I have a bad thing going on in my life?"

"So, after my face becomes alright again, would I stop wearing headscarf?"

Yes, these questions kept playing in my head before I made my decision to wear it on full time basis. Why? And I told myself "Wearing scarf is something that you have to do. You have to cover yourself to avoid fitnah, as well as to cover your dignity!"

As a women, you wouldn't want wolfy stares from random strangers by flaunting your assets such as your hair. You do not want to feel naked and stripped blindingly by them even though you are wearing your clothes. And ask yourself, why would you want to wear those alluring clothes? Why don't you cover your pretty hair and your lush legs? Is it because it makes you feel confident? Or is it because you are free to express yourself by being sexy? Or do you want to look good in front of everybody- or should I say, opposite sex?

And thinking about my past wrongdoings and how He 'paid' it to me directly-and still' paying' it for what I did, it made think that He wants me to change. Though I am not that pious or religious, I will change. One by one, step by step.

However, there is always something that asks me to stop. Whenever I see a pretty girl without her scarf or with beautiful garments, I would feel envious. I would feel that I can be as pretty as her if I do not wear scarf. And by wearing scarf, people would stop looking at you. And I will always think that I should have not wearing it if I want poeple to notice me. I want attention. Who would not want that?

Oh God, please make me stronger than this.

Random Thoughts XII

Hi guys.

Another random thoughts in Bahasa Melayu.

Aku terasa nak menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu. Maybe rasa lagi best sebab hari ni otak aku berfikir dalam Bahasa Melayu.

"So selama ni otak kau berfikir dalam English la?"

Well, I dont really know. Kadang - kadang ya, kadang - kadang tak dan kadang - kadang tak berfikir langsung. HA HA.

Herm, aku ada terbaca blog ni. Nama owner blog ni Obefiend. Mungkin korang pernah baca, mungkin juga tidak. Dan aku baru je terdiscovered blog nih. and I got hooked by it. I already spent countless hours, sacrificing my sleeping time to read the blog. And in the mean time my fucked up mind really thought-

"Macam mana wujudnya satu manusia yang boleh mempengaruhi orang melalui tulisan? Macam mana aku- dan orang - orang lain boleh bersengkang mata membaca blog tu, sampai 3-4 pagi?"

Nuff said, pada pendapat aku- Lelaki ni sangat-sangat dirahmati Tuhan kerana dikurniakan satu kuasa yang aku nak selama ni- kuasa menulis dan mempengaruhi orang melalui tulisan. Ok dah macam X-men lak ada kuasa-kuasa kan.

Ya, aku nakkan bakat tu. Ada blog yang aku baca penuh dengan ayat-ayat yang cukup indah, puitis, tersusun, rhymed tapi mata aku boleh mengantuk bila baca. Otak aku boleh cakap "ok wtf syok sendiri betul minah/mamat ni" padahal aku pun tak boleh nak tulis puisi - puisi or pantun - pantun semacam yang minah dan mamat tu tulis. Tapi bila aku baca tulisan dia, aku jadi kagum. Dan aku cemburu yang amat.

Dia, melihat dunia melalui pandangan mata yang amat liberal dan telus- terlalu honest bagi aku. Sampaikan ramai gila yang tak suka dia kerana pandangan dia terhadap Islam. Bagi aku tu takde masalah, sebab I do think he is in the stage of learning. Aku pun, masih lagi terkontang kanting dan terkapai-kapai dalam hal - hal agama nih. Banyak gila yang aku tak tahu. Dan banyak gila yang aku persoalkan. Tapi aku tak berani nak bersuara kat dalam blog ni, macam apa yang die buat. Hm, isi blog tu bukan pasal agama je. Banyak lagi yang aku suka baca.

Dan ramai jugak yang tak suka dengan bahasa die, haha. Well no problem to me too.

Bila aku baca satu artikel yang dia kata dia dia menulis kerana dalam dia ada banyak unresolved issues. Sebabkan unresolved issues tu lah yang membuatkan die ada idea untuk menulis. Dan sebab dia terasa fucked up, down, restless dan kecewa terhadap diri sendirilah die boleh menghasilkan sesuatu yang bila aku baca, aku boleh rasa apa yang dia rasa masa dia tulis artikel -artikel dalam blog tu.

Dan aku sangat - sangat setuju dengan point of view dia. Sebab aku mengarang dalam blog ni bila masa aku terasa down, dan terasa useless dengan diri sendiri. Most of the time. Mind you I don't really have someone to talk too. I have trust issues. I don't really trust people with my feelings- unless you are someone that i am comfortable with. But sometimes I cant even speak out to my good friends. I'd rather be mad saving horrible things to self. I think its degrading, by selling off my freakin stories for sympathies. Hence the blog posts and facebook statutes. (sebenarnya lagi degrading kan?) When I broke up last year, I went so crazy and I couldn't even think whether its right or wrong. I did not fucking care whether people would read this blog or not. I post my stuff here because I wanted too.

Tapi dah ok sebab aku jumpa orang yang aku sayang, cik Hafidz. Thank you babe.

Anyway, aku dah takda idea apa nak mencarut dalam ni. So, the end of random thoughts XII. Bye guys.

Random thoughts.

Date : 22 May 2010

Time : 7. 06 pm

Location : Home

First of all, if you are reading, (you-know-who-you-are), i miss you so much and I want you to come home. S.o.b.a.d T_T

Okay, I only got another 1 week to go before my internship program. Well I hate it, but the more I don't want it to come to me, the faster it would be. I am not ready for working life. I hate stressful environment, and I hate working under people. I hate being under one's power. Such life is not meant for me. I want to be a lecturer. I want to have control. Students...zzzz. Actually bout the program, I am worried about something (serious) but I've done nada- to overcome it. Well typical me. And that's all I'm going to say about this.

Well, we are going to Penang next Wednesday. Yep. I am assigned to find a car ( not actually 'find' a car, more to 'beg' my parents to lend us a car). It is still in progress ( still in 'begging' process) and I am truly sorry if I fail. ( But I can see the lights and butterflies and beautiful gardens ooo O_o) lol.

What else? (you are not supposed to tell much, but no one really cares, this is your blog, mister)

Ah. Yes. Detroit Metal City. One morning (4 am to be exact) I was bored and I went downstairs to watch dvds. I came across this dvd (untitled O_o) well actually a dvd that was given to me by Wan lol. And I crossed path with Negishi-kun. DETROIT METAL CITY.

At first, I thought "this is going to be another stupid movie" but never mind that, "let's give it a try, would you?".

4.15 am

Bla bla bla... Mother sent her son to Train Station *yawned*...yada yada yada...stupid song.. yada yada yada...

4.20 am - to the end of that Movie.

I was laughing (guess what? like a madwoman, again. Alone. 4 am in the morning) my arse off. lol. Okay, nothing much but the taglines are super funny. How can you not laugh to "He can say RAPE 11 times in 1 second, he's a legend"? lol. I know it sounds so obscene and the main character (Negishi mode) looks very sissy but I think you might want to try DMC. lol. And there is the anime, too. Which is freaking funnier than the movie.

Okay, summary from wikipedia;

Soichi Negishi is a shy and gentle young guitar player / singer who dreams of a career as a pop musician. Dreams don't pay the bills, so he's ended up as the lead singer and lead guitarist of a death metal band called “Detroit Metal City.” In stage costume he is Johannes Krauser II, rumored to be a terrorist demon from hell, to have killed and raped his parents. Another song's subtitles suggest that his fans should murder everyone, in a comic parody of the genre (if all his fans killed each other, he'd have no show). Negishi despises DMC and all that it stands for, but so help him, he's a terrific performer and can't walk away from that. As DMC's star rises Negishi tries to satisfy both worlds, but can't.

One thing that awed me, how did they manage to get Gene Simmons to act in this movie? O_o

Lodging on serious issues?

My sixth semester has started and we are all not really busy with the classes or assignments, yet. We came to our classes and found out that our lecturers are the best among the best (some of them are so-so but actually, they are acceptable. Just please, don't stress us out.) The environment and surroundings are pretty neat and changed because some classrooms were renovated last year and they installed us air-conditioners, pheww and thanks.

But that does not matter.

And what's with the serious issues? Lot's of them, but I think all that matters to me do not really matter to you guys, my fellow friends.

Look. I think I need help but I don't know where I can find the HELP. I am too shy to get help from doctors, I got no extra funds to go to psychiatrist or whatever they call the people that cure mentally unstable people, and personally, I think people will laugh at me.

I think I am too thinking over something. Is that bad? It is like you put something in my mind- just one simple word, and I can make it complex in few seconds. If I think about something or someone, I can think about them to the extent that I don't even want to mention it to you guys. Sometime it disgusts me. Sometime I take pleasure from it. And sometime I kill- yes, I kill the 'subject'. Mind power is great because nothing can stop you from imagining and taking control over everything in your mind, but it becomes hazardous if you have the same problem as mine. It is like my head is a walking time bomb that can erupt whenever, wherever. In any situation. Yes, literally speaking. It's like the mind of me working itself and taking the reign of my sanity from me. Tell you what, I can think about a stupid thing for days not to find the solution (in my case what the things that I thought have no end), but just merely thinking about it!

Actually, I never realized that I have this kind of problem but something had happened last year and the something ticked my nerves and- I became aware of this particular problem. I googled, and some says I might have this mental disorder- so it appears that thinking too much is a mental health problem. And some says it is the 'angsty teenager's problem' which I think I am not so in the zone because I am an adult- I will turn 22 years old this year. Then when a friend of mine suggested to me to be ignorant, I know my problem is worst than I thought it would be.

Help. I always think I need mental medication but a friend said medication is for crazy people. I am not crazy but I think I am slightly crazy, sometimes because the over thinkingness of me and my brain. Help. I am scared and alone.