Changing the Changeable.

I have set a new resolution in my life which is wearing headscarf on full time basis. Before this I did not really wear it, even though I wore it to classes, on some occasion and whenever I felt like I had a bad hair day. Firstly, I wanted to wear my scarf because of my acne problems. By wearing it, I would be able to hide my face, so that no one could see my deeply scarred face. However, these questions ticked me a lot.

"Why would I need to wear headscarf whenever I have a bad thing going on in my life?"

"So, after my face becomes alright again, would I stop wearing headscarf?"

Yes, these questions kept playing in my head before I made my decision to wear it on full time basis. Why? And I told myself "Wearing scarf is something that you have to do. You have to cover yourself to avoid fitnah, as well as to cover your dignity!"

As a women, you wouldn't want wolfy stares from random strangers by flaunting your assets such as your hair. You do not want to feel naked and stripped blindingly by them even though you are wearing your clothes. And ask yourself, why would you want to wear those alluring clothes? Why don't you cover your pretty hair and your lush legs? Is it because it makes you feel confident? Or is it because you are free to express yourself by being sexy? Or do you want to look good in front of everybody- or should I say, opposite sex?

And thinking about my past wrongdoings and how He 'paid' it to me directly-and still' paying' it for what I did, it made think that He wants me to change. Though I am not that pious or religious, I will change. One by one, step by step.

However, there is always something that asks me to stop. Whenever I see a pretty girl without her scarf or with beautiful garments, I would feel envious. I would feel that I can be as pretty as her if I do not wear scarf. And by wearing scarf, people would stop looking at you. And I will always think that I should have not wearing it if I want poeple to notice me. I want attention. Who would not want that?

Oh God, please make me stronger than this.