:)

Past these days I was very down with myself, I kept thinking about all the things that happened. I felt sick and tired. I was, yes once in the same situation few months back, but this was more than what I could bear. He asked me to remember Him. I know, few months ago, I refused to do that.

But now, I feel like I am a new person inside and out. I don't know how much longer I could stay like this. But I hope I can do it.. for myself and my happiness.

I admit that when I was going 'crazy' at that time, I know all of them, mum, dad, bro and sis knew what happened. I felt stupid, actually. Mum said this to me bluntly, " do you want to destroy every single thing that you have? If he doesn't want you, then be it! Just think about yourself and the people around you." My tears fell silently. And, she is right. I am still young, I have to think about myself, first thing first.

God is merciful. Allah s.w.t is the Beneficient, the merciful. Though this I couldn't say anything yet. I hope He shows me the right path. I hope this will be the right thing for me to do. I am not a very religious person, I admit that. But true, He is willing to help. Allah is with those who are patient.

"Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, 'We believe,' and that they will not be tested? We did test those before them, and Allah will certainly know those who are true from those who are false" (Quran, 29: 2-3).

We, as a human being will be tested by Him with countless trials, problems. In a situation that we might feel that we have a little too much burden and little less hope. This, is tiny. Just a small thing He tested upon me. And yet, I failed to remember Him. I failed to know him. But I am not going to repeat the same mistake. InsyaAllah.

I truly hope that I could have a right person, with me. Together, he will guide me to the right path. One day. Hopefully.

My Love is for You, Lord.

I changed my blog link. I erased everything on facebook and I will change my phone number tomorrow. And I am going to dump everything you gave me. But one thing for sure I can't delete you in my mind. Of course I can't because what we been through in 4 years, when I was that pretty (lol..hahaha...whatever) and then the time you work and you got fat too. haha. (Now your super cute, right? I love what you did to your hair. And I am ugly, now. wow. We're totally different..) I can even remember everything. But now I know its all gone. I know that you are having someone new in your life, someone prettier, someone nicer, and someone that can be there when you are sad, while I'm stuck here. When I knew the truth, I was being crazy. This isn't happening to me. And I want to kill myself, seriously. I took a knife and I try to cut whatever I can cut.

Then I realised.

I couldn't.

I am not a God. I can't take my life as I please and I know for sure I will regret it FOREVER. But I have HIM. I have HIM to depend on, to cry on, to tell everything to. I calmed myself and I pray to HIM. Yes, to HIM. My world isn't at the end, yet until HE calls me back.

I beg for your forgiveness, Lord.

I humble myself to You.

This hurt so much, this, what You lend to me, and You took it back. But I know that everything You did, everything, has its own reason.

I do love him, but You are, the MOST I love. You are the MOST I wanted to be with. This is not the end. This might be a new start to a happy life. Even if I come back to You before I could even cherish that moment, before I could even live that life, my faith is upon You.

Random Thoughts IV

er.. is it IV edition? Already?

Today I logged on to facebook. I read some comments, replied to some, and I clicked 'game' button' to play Three Kingdoms Online. I logged into the game. I looked at the left menu. Then I felt something is missing. Where the heck is my troops? I mean? All of them? Like seriously serious? Then I clicked the 'message' button. I opened my message box. I clicked the 'new message'.

"Wak_Meng (619,370..yes. FEEL FREE TO ATTACK THIS GUY) attacked _ _ _ _". Twice. I got hit twice. All the spearmen, the clavary, the logs, traps, all gone.. T_T ohhh my months of hard work..all gone in a blink. And I left my TKO for only 4 days due to internet connectivity problems..I was like, no way. NO FREAKIN WAYYYY!!! Uh!

Sigh.

Next, we move on to Married by Morning from Lisa Kleypas. I have finished the book, and I didn't have time to make a review of it. And I moved on to Lisa Kleypas's old novel, Give Me Tonight (and I didn't know she wrote a time travel novel) which I had to put it down due to the setting. I don't like Western, means, Cowboys, Texas. No, not my thang. Sorry Ms Kleypas. If only the main characters were transported to Victorian or Edwardian era.. I'll be glad to read those. Well, the reviews will come later, weekends..i guess.

And I am tired. Like If you give one day to sleep, it wouldn't be sufficient. T_T

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention something. These days, I kinda menyampah with one of this particular person on facebook. I dunno why but everything, all of posts...it makes me want to puke. Its like your being fake. Seriously fake. You got angry with someone, let it out. Do not use Idioms, such2 etcs.. You're fake. You make us think that you're happy with your life whatsoever, but seriously everyone knows the truth. You're not that kind of person. Sgt Poyo, babe. And ahh.. to think that I don't have a clue that some of your posts were directed to me, you wouldn't know it. -_-lll

And I don't have a life. T_T I SUCK. WHATEVER.