Accutane Diary I

Whats up.

I am taking Accutane, or its other name Isotretinoin as my last resort, after all. Warning, do not consume accutane if you are pregnant, or plan to conceive. YOU CAN NOT HAVE A BABY, AT LEAST 2 YEARS FROM THE DATE YOU STOP TAKING ACCUTANE, BECAUSE YOUR BABY MIGHT BE MALFORMED AND HARMED (physical malformation and mental retardation) IF YOU CHOOSE TO CONSUME THIS DRUG- PLAN TO HAVE A BABY WHILE YOU ARE ON THE MEDICATION!!! IT ALSO CAN CAUSE OTHER SEVERE SIDE EFFECTS SUCH AS CHEST PAIN, DECREASING NIGHT VISION, FATIGUE, HEADACHE, HAIR LOSS, VOMITING, DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, HALLUCINATION- AND THESE SIDE EFFECTS ARE MOST LIKELY TO COME LIKE, FOR YEARS AND YEARS- BE IT 10, OR 20!!! EVEN AFTER YOU STOP TAKING IT!!!!! IT'S GOING TO HAUNT YOU FOREVER!!!! AND I AM NOT KIDDING!!!!!!! :(

Most doctors in specialist house or skin care centre do not care if you're going to undertake this medication, what they do care is money. ACNE SUFFERER COMES, MONEY IN. Like myself- she didn't really care. She just prescribed me with 20 mg Accutane, Antibiotic and some allergy pills whatever and sprayed my pimples with something (i dunno what it was). When I asked her what are the side effects, she just told me- ah, a lot, like back pain, headache. That's all. The 10 minutes so called consultation costs me up RM70. Yeah, I am stupid. But due to my eagerness to clear up my skin- I became stupid. I know I have no other way. AND YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA SACRIFICE SOMETHING TO GET SOMETHING. AND I HAD TO SACRIFICE MY HEALTH. :(

I have been on the med for almost 2 weeks, or 12 days to be exact. I admit that my face is getting better. Quite happy with it. Some people say it can cause breakouts for the first few weeks, luckily, i didnt experience it ( maybe because mine was already severe, so when the new pimple pops out, i dun really notice).

But the SIDE EFFECTS WERE PRETTY SCARY.

List of what I have experienced.

1. Back pain - considered as common.

2. Headache.

3. I became super tired, I couldn't move for god sake.

4. Depression.

5. Mood swings. TERRIBLE MOOD SWINGS.

6. Difficulty to breath. Whenever I am angry, I cant breath.

7. Decreasing night vision. I cannot drive at night, because I cant see a thing!

7. WORST OF ALL. ONCE, I WOKE UP BECAUSE I HAD A CHEST PAIN- AND I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE.

I KNOW. I KNOW. DONT NAG ME. :( THIS AINT HEALTHY ANYMORE. I KNOW)

Though, I want to share my photos- from a week before accutane- til today.

This was a week before. The pain was unbearable, small acne formed big nodular acne. My face will bleed- after every wash. The whole face was swollen. I went out like this and got a lot of stares from people. The pain, the depression, the suicidal thoughts made me stupid enough to sacrifice my health over my skin-well being.

This was after a day taking Accutane.

And these were captured on Saturday. The first one -with flash. Face become a little too much flaky.

And I dont need to hide anymore- even tho I got a few occasional stares, dun really mind it- its getting better.

Just Like Heaven by Julia Quinn.

courtesy of Google.

I have been super lazy these days but i wanna make up by giving my honest review of newest installation from Julia Quinn, Just Like Heaven. :)

I bought this novel at MPH (okay, Hafidz bought it for me lol) last Thursday and I read thru few pages at KFC while waiting for buka puasa time, and I was pretty happy with my choice of book. That's because this is my first time reading a novel which has a character that satisfies my guilty pleasure- an emo-like-but-actually-a-very-nice-historical-romance-hero. I never came across this kind of character in a novel. Thus, i fell in love with this book almost instantly.

Actually, the hero, Marcus Holroyd is not an emo guy, but Julia Quinn portrays him as a silent with disdainful face. The heroine of the story, Honoria Smythe-Smith says that she could not determine whether Marcus is the hero or the villain in gothic novels. He looks like he is serious about everything, and people regard him as a serious person. But deep inside, he actually has a sense of humor. Yes, I have a knack for this kind of character. I love reformed rakes characters too, but sometimes we would want to take a break from reading novels which the heroes always make sexual advances to the heroines in it, right? (But maybe because the hero is in his sickbed for 1/3 pages of the novel lol) :)

Honoria Smythe-Smith makes quite a character too because she is not an annoying character. She is not your oh-i-am-so-weak-i-shall-swoon-on-everything or i-am-so-strong-you-would-not-dare-to-play-around-with-me type. More likely in the middle, i guess. She is one of the infamous female quartet from Smythe-Smith family which will perform 'not quite a musicale' every year. Haha, If you guys have read Julia Quinn's other installments such as Bridgerton series, you would know that the musicale is the horror-est event for music lovers, as the quartet themselves are not really capable (horribly untalented) of playing the notes. The audience would have to bring cotton bud to keep their ears from bleeding. Some want to destroy their instruments so that they would not be able to play again. lol.

I love the story, and I love the characters. Thus i am giving this book my 4/5 stars. :)

Changing the Changeable.

I have set a new resolution in my life which is wearing headscarf on full time basis. Before this I did not really wear it, even though I wore it to classes, on some occasion and whenever I felt like I had a bad hair day. Firstly, I wanted to wear my scarf because of my acne problems. By wearing it, I would be able to hide my face, so that no one could see my deeply scarred face. However, these questions ticked me a lot.

"Why would I need to wear headscarf whenever I have a bad thing going on in my life?"

"So, after my face becomes alright again, would I stop wearing headscarf?"

Yes, these questions kept playing in my head before I made my decision to wear it on full time basis. Why? And I told myself "Wearing scarf is something that you have to do. You have to cover yourself to avoid fitnah, as well as to cover your dignity!"

As a women, you wouldn't want wolfy stares from random strangers by flaunting your assets such as your hair. You do not want to feel naked and stripped blindingly by them even though you are wearing your clothes. And ask yourself, why would you want to wear those alluring clothes? Why don't you cover your pretty hair and your lush legs? Is it because it makes you feel confident? Or is it because you are free to express yourself by being sexy? Or do you want to look good in front of everybody- or should I say, opposite sex?

And thinking about my past wrongdoings and how He 'paid' it to me directly-and still' paying' it for what I did, it made think that He wants me to change. Though I am not that pious or religious, I will change. One by one, step by step.

However, there is always something that asks me to stop. Whenever I see a pretty girl without her scarf or with beautiful garments, I would feel envious. I would feel that I can be as pretty as her if I do not wear scarf. And by wearing scarf, people would stop looking at you. And I will always think that I should have not wearing it if I want poeple to notice me. I want attention. Who would not want that?

Oh God, please make me stronger than this.

Random Thoughts XII

Hi guys.

Another random thoughts in Bahasa Melayu.

Aku terasa nak menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu. Maybe rasa lagi best sebab hari ni otak aku berfikir dalam Bahasa Melayu.

"So selama ni otak kau berfikir dalam English la?"

Well, I dont really know. Kadang - kadang ya, kadang - kadang tak dan kadang - kadang tak berfikir langsung. HA HA.

Herm, aku ada terbaca blog ni. Nama owner blog ni Obefiend. Mungkin korang pernah baca, mungkin juga tidak. Dan aku baru je terdiscovered blog nih. and I got hooked by it. I already spent countless hours, sacrificing my sleeping time to read the blog. And in the mean time my fucked up mind really thought-

"Macam mana wujudnya satu manusia yang boleh mempengaruhi orang melalui tulisan? Macam mana aku- dan orang - orang lain boleh bersengkang mata membaca blog tu, sampai 3-4 pagi?"

Nuff said, pada pendapat aku- Lelaki ni sangat-sangat dirahmati Tuhan kerana dikurniakan satu kuasa yang aku nak selama ni- kuasa menulis dan mempengaruhi orang melalui tulisan. Ok dah macam X-men lak ada kuasa-kuasa kan.

Ya, aku nakkan bakat tu. Ada blog yang aku baca penuh dengan ayat-ayat yang cukup indah, puitis, tersusun, rhymed tapi mata aku boleh mengantuk bila baca. Otak aku boleh cakap "ok wtf syok sendiri betul minah/mamat ni" padahal aku pun tak boleh nak tulis puisi - puisi or pantun - pantun semacam yang minah dan mamat tu tulis. Tapi bila aku baca tulisan dia, aku jadi kagum. Dan aku cemburu yang amat.

Dia, melihat dunia melalui pandangan mata yang amat liberal dan telus- terlalu honest bagi aku. Sampaikan ramai gila yang tak suka dia kerana pandangan dia terhadap Islam. Bagi aku tu takde masalah, sebab I do think he is in the stage of learning. Aku pun, masih lagi terkontang kanting dan terkapai-kapai dalam hal - hal agama nih. Banyak gila yang aku tak tahu. Dan banyak gila yang aku persoalkan. Tapi aku tak berani nak bersuara kat dalam blog ni, macam apa yang die buat. Hm, isi blog tu bukan pasal agama je. Banyak lagi yang aku suka baca.

Dan ramai jugak yang tak suka dengan bahasa die, haha. Well no problem to me too.

Bila aku baca satu artikel yang dia kata dia dia menulis kerana dalam dia ada banyak unresolved issues. Sebabkan unresolved issues tu lah yang membuatkan die ada idea untuk menulis. Dan sebab dia terasa fucked up, down, restless dan kecewa terhadap diri sendirilah die boleh menghasilkan sesuatu yang bila aku baca, aku boleh rasa apa yang dia rasa masa dia tulis artikel -artikel dalam blog tu.

Dan aku sangat - sangat setuju dengan point of view dia. Sebab aku mengarang dalam blog ni bila masa aku terasa down, dan terasa useless dengan diri sendiri. Most of the time. Mind you I don't really have someone to talk too. I have trust issues. I don't really trust people with my feelings- unless you are someone that i am comfortable with. But sometimes I cant even speak out to my good friends. I'd rather be mad saving horrible things to self. I think its degrading, by selling off my freakin stories for sympathies. Hence the blog posts and facebook statutes. (sebenarnya lagi degrading kan?) When I broke up last year, I went so crazy and I couldn't even think whether its right or wrong. I did not fucking care whether people would read this blog or not. I post my stuff here because I wanted too.

Tapi dah ok sebab aku jumpa orang yang aku sayang, cik Hafidz. Thank you babe.

Anyway, aku dah takda idea apa nak mencarut dalam ni. So, the end of random thoughts XII. Bye guys.

Random Thoughts VIII

Hey guys, whats up! welcome to another random thoughts of mine. :)

Yet another update-less month. :) Actually I have a lot to talk about, ranging from funny thoughts to kinda serious one. But of course, I couldn't gather my fingers to blog.

Okay, first of all. Did you guys know about the guy who decided to kill himself after breaking up with his girlfriend? He jumped out from the 14th floor at 2 am, if i'm not mistaken. And he died around 9 a.m in the hospital. The said guy is known as Alviss Kong, i know this has caused an uproar to facebook users, mostly to chinese. And I was indirectly informed about it when one of my facebook friend posted up random status in chinese, but left out 'Alviss Kong' and R.I.P. I was like "Hey the name rings a bell" and I was, FREAKING SHOCKED to know that the guy who died, was the same guy whom I used to exchange my messages with on myspace like 2-3 years ago. (ya, had one before facebook stuff, deleted it) and he was like, dead?!! Oh sigh. What a way to end your life. Suicide.

45 minutes before the infamous flight, he posted on facebook, “Count Down For 45 Mins…What should I do in this 45 mins?”. His sister and friends responded to his comment, not knowing that he opted the easiest way to solve his probs, by killing himself. :( He also left the last note on his blog, (no where to find, probably deleted) which was closed after the suicide by his relative, i guess. And yep, from what I have heard, Facebook staff decided to close his account too.

You know, from what I have googled from the internet, he and the girl, were engaged in 4 months relationship before she decided to dump him. He worked as salesperson in TS, (and he probably did caught my attention because he is, even after his death, cutest real-life chinese guy I have ever met) and looking back at the pic, yes, I remember him because i did shop there before raya with my friends. Sigh.

And to tell you the truth, I also had this suicidal thoughts after going through a breakup, but like seriously, I don't have the guts to kill myself, nuff said, I am not that stupid. What he did was, most probably like will scar the girl's life forever, not to mention that he dragged his family to wall of shame.

Kids out there, suicide, is the worst way to end your predicament. You'll probably add more to them, not directly to you, but to your family and friends because of your selfish act. Think.

the girl.

Now I am listening to My Chemical Romance new songs, and Scarecrow caught me red handed. I am loving it. :)

Maybe one day i will grow attached to the album, like their previous ones :)

Say, I am pretty happy with everything in my life, currently. You know. :)