Changing the Changeable.

I have set a new resolution in my life which is wearing headscarf on full time basis. Before this I did not really wear it, even though I wore it to classes, on some occasion and whenever I felt like I had a bad hair day. Firstly, I wanted to wear my scarf because of my acne problems. By wearing it, I would be able to hide my face, so that no one could see my deeply scarred face. However, these questions ticked me a lot.

"Why would I need to wear headscarf whenever I have a bad thing going on in my life?"

"So, after my face becomes alright again, would I stop wearing headscarf?"

Yes, these questions kept playing in my head before I made my decision to wear it on full time basis. Why? And I told myself "Wearing scarf is something that you have to do. You have to cover yourself to avoid fitnah, as well as to cover your dignity!"

As a women, you wouldn't want wolfy stares from random strangers by flaunting your assets such as your hair. You do not want to feel naked and stripped blindingly by them even though you are wearing your clothes. And ask yourself, why would you want to wear those alluring clothes? Why don't you cover your pretty hair and your lush legs? Is it because it makes you feel confident? Or is it because you are free to express yourself by being sexy? Or do you want to look good in front of everybody- or should I say, opposite sex?

And thinking about my past wrongdoings and how He 'paid' it to me directly-and still' paying' it for what I did, it made think that He wants me to change. Though I am not that pious or religious, I will change. One by one, step by step.

However, there is always something that asks me to stop. Whenever I see a pretty girl without her scarf or with beautiful garments, I would feel envious. I would feel that I can be as pretty as her if I do not wear scarf. And by wearing scarf, people would stop looking at you. And I will always think that I should have not wearing it if I want poeple to notice me. I want attention. Who would not want that?

Oh God, please make me stronger than this.

Random Thoughts XII

Hi guys.

Another random thoughts in Bahasa Melayu.

Aku terasa nak menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu. Maybe rasa lagi best sebab hari ni otak aku berfikir dalam Bahasa Melayu.

"So selama ni otak kau berfikir dalam English la?"

Well, I dont really know. Kadang - kadang ya, kadang - kadang tak dan kadang - kadang tak berfikir langsung. HA HA.

Herm, aku ada terbaca blog ni. Nama owner blog ni Obefiend. Mungkin korang pernah baca, mungkin juga tidak. Dan aku baru je terdiscovered blog nih. and I got hooked by it. I already spent countless hours, sacrificing my sleeping time to read the blog. And in the mean time my fucked up mind really thought-

"Macam mana wujudnya satu manusia yang boleh mempengaruhi orang melalui tulisan? Macam mana aku- dan orang - orang lain boleh bersengkang mata membaca blog tu, sampai 3-4 pagi?"

Nuff said, pada pendapat aku- Lelaki ni sangat-sangat dirahmati Tuhan kerana dikurniakan satu kuasa yang aku nak selama ni- kuasa menulis dan mempengaruhi orang melalui tulisan. Ok dah macam X-men lak ada kuasa-kuasa kan.

Ya, aku nakkan bakat tu. Ada blog yang aku baca penuh dengan ayat-ayat yang cukup indah, puitis, tersusun, rhymed tapi mata aku boleh mengantuk bila baca. Otak aku boleh cakap "ok wtf syok sendiri betul minah/mamat ni" padahal aku pun tak boleh nak tulis puisi - puisi or pantun - pantun semacam yang minah dan mamat tu tulis. Tapi bila aku baca tulisan dia, aku jadi kagum. Dan aku cemburu yang amat.

Dia, melihat dunia melalui pandangan mata yang amat liberal dan telus- terlalu honest bagi aku. Sampaikan ramai gila yang tak suka dia kerana pandangan dia terhadap Islam. Bagi aku tu takde masalah, sebab I do think he is in the stage of learning. Aku pun, masih lagi terkontang kanting dan terkapai-kapai dalam hal - hal agama nih. Banyak gila yang aku tak tahu. Dan banyak gila yang aku persoalkan. Tapi aku tak berani nak bersuara kat dalam blog ni, macam apa yang die buat. Hm, isi blog tu bukan pasal agama je. Banyak lagi yang aku suka baca.

Dan ramai jugak yang tak suka dengan bahasa die, haha. Well no problem to me too.

Bila aku baca satu artikel yang dia kata dia dia menulis kerana dalam dia ada banyak unresolved issues. Sebabkan unresolved issues tu lah yang membuatkan die ada idea untuk menulis. Dan sebab dia terasa fucked up, down, restless dan kecewa terhadap diri sendirilah die boleh menghasilkan sesuatu yang bila aku baca, aku boleh rasa apa yang dia rasa masa dia tulis artikel -artikel dalam blog tu.

Dan aku sangat - sangat setuju dengan point of view dia. Sebab aku mengarang dalam blog ni bila masa aku terasa down, dan terasa useless dengan diri sendiri. Most of the time. Mind you I don't really have someone to talk too. I have trust issues. I don't really trust people with my feelings- unless you are someone that i am comfortable with. But sometimes I cant even speak out to my good friends. I'd rather be mad saving horrible things to self. I think its degrading, by selling off my freakin stories for sympathies. Hence the blog posts and facebook statutes. (sebenarnya lagi degrading kan?) When I broke up last year, I went so crazy and I couldn't even think whether its right or wrong. I did not fucking care whether people would read this blog or not. I post my stuff here because I wanted too.

Tapi dah ok sebab aku jumpa orang yang aku sayang, cik Hafidz. Thank you babe.

Anyway, aku dah takda idea apa nak mencarut dalam ni. So, the end of random thoughts XII. Bye guys.